Shipulski On Design

Posts Tagged ‘kindness’

Tell me what you want done, but don’t tell me how. You’ve got to leave something for me.

Better yet, ask me to help you with a problem and let me solve it.  I prefer asking over telling.

Better still, explain the situation and ask me what I think.  We can then discuss why I see it the way I do and we can create an approach.

Even better, ask me to assess the situation and create a proposal.

Better still, ask me to assess the situation, create a project plan, and run the project.

If you come up with a solution but no definition of the problem, I will ask you to define the problem.

If you come up with a solution and a definition of the problem, I will ask you to explain why it’s the right solution.

If you come up with a problem, a solution, and an analysis that justifies the solution, I will ask why you need me.

If you know what you want to do, don’t withhold information and make me guess.

If you know what you want to do, ask me to help and I will help you with your plan.

If you know what you want to do and want to improve your plan, ask me how to make your plan better.

If you want your plan to become our plan, bring me in from the start and ask me what I think we should do.

Image credit — x1klima

In that familiar situation, how did you respond in an unfamiliar way?

Instead of your usual yes, did you say no?

With your regular chair available in the conference room, why not sit in a different one?

Instead of using your right hand to brush your teeth, why not try your left? How would it feel?

When someone misbehaved in a meeting, how did you respond? Or did you?

If no one recognized your different behavior, was it different enough? Why not rerun the experiment?

With the same choices on the menu, what’s in the way of asking for a special order?

Instead of going to the meeting, did you ask someone to go in your place as a growth opportunity?

When you pay attention, you notice more opportunities to demonstrate novelty. Do you pay attention?

If it didn’t create a sensation in your body, did you do anything novel?

When you saw someone respond differently, did they like it when you praised their behavior?

When you have a chance to help someone be successful, why not help them?

When you have the chance to make a different choice, why not make it?

When you have a chance to respond differently, why not do it?

When you have a chance to feel uncomfortable, why not feel it?

One more question for you — What novelty did you demonstrate today?

Image credit — Mike Beales

In these trying times when stress is high, supply chains are empty, and the pandemic is still alive and well, here’s a mantra to hold onto:

Everyone is doing their best, even though it might not look that way.

When restaurants are only open four days a week because they have no one to take the orders and clean the dishes, they are trying their best.  Sure, you can’t go there for dinner on those off-days. And, sure, it cramps your style. And, sure, it looks like they’re doing it just to piss you off.  But they are trying their best.  They want to be open. They want to serve you dinner and take your money.  It may not look like it, but they are doing their best. How might you hold onto that reality? How might you engage your best self and respond accordingly?

The situation at restaurants is one of many where people are trying their best but environmental realities have caused their best to be less than it was. Car dealers want to sell cars, but there are fewer of them to sell. The prices are higher, the choices are fewer, and the lead times are longer.  The salespeople aren’t out to get you; there’s simply more demand than cars.  If you want a car, try to buy one.  But if you can’t or you don’t like the price, what does it say about you if you get angry at the salesperson? It may not look like it, but they are trying their best.  How might you hold onto that? What would it take for you to behave like they are trying their best?

Plumbers and electricians have more work than they can handle. If they don’t answer their phone, or don’t respond quickly, or respond with a quote that’s higher than you think reasonable, don’t take it personally.  They are doing their best.  Plumbers actually like to trade their time for your money and it’s the same with electricians.  But, there are simply more pipes to be worked on than there are plumbers to work them.  And there’s more wiring to do than there are electricians to do work.  Their best isn’t as good as it was, but it’s still their best.  You can get angry, but that won’t get your leaks fixed or your new electrical outlets installed.  How might you hold onto the fact that they are doing their best?  And, how might you engage your best self to respond with kindness and understanding?

And it’s the same situation at work.  Everyone is trying their best, though it may look that way.  Our families or parents are struggling; our kids are having a difficult time; we can’t find plumbers; we can’t hire electricians; we cannot afford new cars prices; there are no cars to buy; and the restaurants are closed. This is crazy enough on its own, but all those outside stressors are sitting on top of a collection of work-related stressors.  There are many vacant positions so there are fewer people to do the work; competitors have upped the pressure; under the banner of doing more with less, more projects have been added, even though there are fewer people; and profitability goals have been turned up to eleven.

How might we hold onto the reality that our personal lives are stressful and, though we are trying harder than ever, our best CANNOT be good as it used to be? And how might we hold onto the reality that with such stress at home, we are giving our all but we have LESS to give.

Let’s help each other hold onto the mantra:

Everyone is doing their best, even though it might not look that way.

“the mask” by wolfgangfoto is licensed under CC BY-ND 2.0

I don’t give – regardless of the situation, there is no giving.

I won’t give – in this situation, there is no giving.

I cannot give – there’s a reason for the non-giving.

I might give – there’s something about this situation that could result in giving.

I almost gave – there was strong consideration of giving.

I will give – in the future there will be giving.

I gave, but I got more – there was more getting than giving.

I gave, but I also got – there was a little getting, but far more giving.

I gave, but I got credit – getting credit helped, but there was giving.

I gave – in this situation, there was giving for the sake of giving.

I gave, and could spare it – there was surplus, and in this situation, there was giving.

I planned, saved, and gave – there was forethought to the giving.

I gave more than I saved – there was a lot of forethought, and far more giving.

I’ve found that the size of the gift doesn’t matter. What matters is the giving.

I’ve found that giving is for the giver.

I’ve found that giving is like getting twice.

I’ve found that giving creates givers.

Thanks for giving when you can.

Thanks for giving when it’s difficult for others to ask.

Thanks for giving when no one else sees the need.

Thanks for giving when no one is looking.

Wherever you are on the giving continuum, thanks for giving.

“Give a big hand to…..” by Andrew Pescod is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

If some talks to you in an angry way, what do you do? Well, if it’s a family member you take it personally and respond with equal and opposite anger. If it’s someone at work, you take it personally but use a bit more restraint.  And in both cases, the root of all the trouble is taking their anger personally.

There can be no argument if the second doesn’t accept the radiated negativity of the first. In that way, arguments are like tennis – it takes two to play a match worth watching.  But in the heat of the moment, and even in the residual heat after the moment, it’s tremendously difficult remember their anger is about them.

The natural tendency is to focus on the injustice of the other’s anger. They’re out of line, they’re wrong, they shouldn’t yell like that. But pouring your energy into that bucket won’t end the arguments. You can’t control their behavior, you can only control your response to their behavior. The only way to end the arguments is to look inside and figure out why you take their anger personally.

If their anger threatens you, you’ll take it personally and respond in-kind.  And what is threatened is your image of yourself.  If you don’t think highly of yourself, you call your caliber into question and respond with anger to prop up and protect your self-image.  But, if you don’t think their rage applies, you won’t be threatened and you’ll respond effectively. And you’ll be able to help them be more effective.

When you respond to anger with kindness, people notice.  It may take them a while to understand there is no hidden agenda and your kindness truly kindness, but when they do, they change and your relationship changes.  Trust and mutual respect blossom and the future has no limit.

It’s not easy to respond to anger with kindness. But in the end, it’s worth it.

Image credit – Dean Hochman