Shipulski On Design

Archive for the ‘Level 5 Courage’ Category

Be bold – the alternative is boring.

Be the first to forgive – it’s like forgiving twice.

Be yourself – you’re the best at that.

Be afraid – and do it anyway.

Be effective – and to hell with efficiency.

Be happy – if that’s what’s inside.

Be authentic – it’s invigorating.

Be energetic – it’s contagious.

Be a listener – that’s where learning comes from.

Be on time – it says you care.

Be early if you can’t be on time – but just a little.

Be courageous – but sparingly.

Be kind – people remember.

Be truthful – that’s how trust is built.

Be a learner – by learning to listen.

Be sad – if that’s what’s inside.

Be a friend – it’s good for them and better for you.

Be nobody – it’s better for everybody, even you.

Image credit — Irene Steeves

People try to diminish when they’re threatened.

People are threatened when they think you’re more capable than they are.

When they think less of themselves, they see you as more capable.

There you have it.

When someone doesn’t do what they say and you bring it up to them, there are two general responses. If they forget, they tell you and apologize.  If they don’t have a good reason, they respond defensively.

When someone responds defensively, it means they know what they did.

They respond defensively when they know what they did and don’t like what it says about them.

Defensiveness is an admission of guilt.

Defensiveness is an acknowledgment that the ego was bruised.

Defensiveness is a declaration self-worth is insufficient.

People can either stand down or turn it up when defensiveness is called by name.

When people stand down, they demonstrate they have what it takes to own their behavior.

When they turn it up, they don’t.

When people turn their defensiveness into aggressiveness, they’re unwilling to own their behavior because doing so violates their self-image. And that’s why they’re willing to blame you for their behavior.

When you tell someone they didn’t do what they said and they acknowledge their behavior, praise them.  Tell them they displayed courage. Thank them.

When you call someone on their defensiveness and they own their behavior, compliment them for their truthfulness.  Tell them their truthfulness is a compliment to you. Tell them their truthfulness means you are important to them.

When you call someone on their defensiveness and they respond aggressively, stand tall. Recognize they are threatened and stand tall.  Recognize they don’t like what they did and they don’t have what it takes (in the moment) to own their behavior. And stand tall.  When they try to blame you, tell them you did nothing wrong. Tell them it’s not okay to try to blame you for their behavior. And stand tall.

It’s not your responsibility to teach them or help them change their behavior.  But it is your responsibility to stay in control, to be professional, and to protect yourself.

When you stand tall, it means you know what they’re doing.  When you stand tall, it means it’s not okay to behave that way.  When you stand tall, it means you are comfortable describing their behavior to those who can do something about it.  When you continue to stand tall, you make it clear there is nothing they can do to prevent you from standing tall.

In the future, they may behave defensively and aggressively with others, but they won’t behave that way with you.  And maybe that will help others stand tall.

Image credit — Johan Wieland

If you got what you wanted, what would you do?

Would you be happy or would you want something else?

Wanting doesn’t have a half-life.  Regardless of how much we have, wanting is always right there with us lurking in the background.

Getting what you want has a half-life. After you get what you want, your happiness decays until what you just got becomes what you always had.  I think they call that hedonistic adaptation.

When you have what you always had, you have two options.  You can want more or you can want what you have.  Which will you choose?

When you get what you want, you become afraid to lose what you got.  There’s no free lunch with getting what you want.

When you want more, I can manipulate you. I wouldn’t do that, but I could.

When you want more your mind lives in the future where it tries to get what you want.  And lives in the past where it mourns what you did not get or lost.

It’s easier to live in the present moment when you want what you have. There’s no need to craft a plan to get more and no need to lament what you didn’t have.

You can tell when a person wants what they have.  They are kind because there’s no need to be otherwise.  They are calm because things are good.  And they are themselves because they don’t need anything from anyone.

Wanting what you have is straightforward.  Whatever you have, you decide that’s what you want. It’s much different than having what you want.  Once you have what you want hedonistic adaptation makes you want more, and then it’s time to jump back on the hamster wheel.

Wanting what you have is freeing.  Why not choose to be free and choose to want what you have?

Image credit — Steven Guzzardi

When in doubt, put it out there.  Easy to say, difficult to do.

Why not give it a go?  What’s in the way? A better question: Who is in the way?  I bet that who is you.

I’ve heard the fear of failure blocks people from running full tilt into new territory. Maybe.  But I think the fear of success is the likely culprit.

If you go like hell and it doesn’t work, the consequences of failure are clear, immediate, and short-lived.  It’s like skinning your knee.  Everyone knows you went down hard and it hurts in the moment. And two days after the Band-Aid, you’re better.

If you run into the fire and succeed, the consequences are unknown, and there’s no telling when those consequences will find you. Will you be seen as an imposter? Will soar to new heights only to fail catastrophically and publicly?  Will the hammer drop after this success or the next one? There’s uncertainty at every turn and our internal systems don’t like that.

Whether it’s the fear of success or failure, I think the root cause is the same: our aversion to being judged by others. We tell ourselves stories about what people will think about us if we fail and if we succeed.  In both cases, our internal stories scratch at our self-image and make our souls bleed.  And all this before any failure or success.

I think it’s impossible to stop altogether our inner stories. But, I think it is possible to change our response to our inner stories. You can’t stop someone from calling you a dog.  But when they call a dog, you can turn around and look to see if you have a tail. And if you don’t have a tail, you can tell yourself objectively you’re not a dog.  And I think that’s a good way to dismiss our internal stories.

The next time you have an opportunity put yourself out there, listen to the stories you tell yourself. Acknowledge they’re real and acknowledge they’re not true.  They may call you a dog, but you have no tail. So, no, you’re not a dog.

You may fail or you may fail.  But the only way to find out is to put yourself out there.  Whether you fail or succeed, you don’t have a tail and you’re not a dog. So you might as well put yourself out there.

Image credit — Tambako the Jaguar

Even when there is significant disagreement, there is not 100% disagreement.

Can both sides agree breathing is good for our health?  I think so. And if so, there is less than 100% disagreement.  Now that we know agreement is possible, might we stand together on this small agreement platform and build on it?

Can both sides agree all people are important?  Maybe not.  But what if we break it down into smaller chunks?  Can we agree family is important?  Maybe.  Can we agree my family is important to me and your family is important to you?  I think so.  Now that we have some agreement, won’t other discussions be easier?

Can we agree we want the best for our families?  I think so. And even though we don’t agree on what’s best for our families, we still agree we want the best for them.  What if we focused on our agreement at the expense of our disagreement? Down the road, might this make it easier to talk to each other about what we want for our families?  Wouldn’t we see each other differently?

But might we agree on some things we want for our families?  Do both sides agree we want our families to be healthy? Do we agree we want them to be happy? Do we agree we want them to be well-fed? Do we want them to be warm and dry when the weather isn’t?  With all this agreement, might we be on the same side, at least in this space?

But what about our country?  Is there 100% disagreement here? I think not. Do we agree we want to be safe? Do we agree we want the people we care about to be safe? Do we agree we want good roads? Good bridges? Do we agree we want to earn a good living and provide for our families? It seems to me we agree on some important things about our country. And I think if we acknowledge our agreement, we can build on it.

I think there’s no such thing as 100% disagreement.  I think you and I agree on far more things than we realize.  When we meet, I will look for small nuggets of agreement.  And when I find one, I will acknowledge our agreement.  And I hope you will feel understood.  And I hope that helps us grow our agreement into a friendship built on mutual respect.  And I hope we can teach our friends to seek agreement and build on it.

I think this could be helpful for all of us.  Do you agree?

Image credit — Orin Zebest

COPYRIGHT GEOFF HENSON

If you’ve done it before, let someone else do it.

If you’ve done it before, teach someone else to do it.

If you’ve done it before, do it in a tenth of the time.

Do it differently just because you can.

Do it backward. That will make you smile.

Do it with your eyes closed.  That will make a statement.

Do its natural extension. That could be fun.

Do the opposite.  Then do its opposite.  You’ll learn more.

Do what they should have asked for. Life is short.

Do what scares them. It’s sure to create new design space.

Do what obsoletes your most profitable offering. Wouldn’t you rather be the one to do it?

Do what scares you.  That’s sure to be the most interesting of all.

Image credit — Geoff Henson

What do you say when someone in power over you asks you to do something that violates your ethics?  Do you say yes because you know it’s that’s what they want and avoid conflict? Or do you say no because it’s unethical from your perspective?  Seems like a no-brainer, right?  A hard no, 100%.  And maybe with a violation of your ethics, it is a 100% no.  But practically, I can imagine a situation where the consequences would be dire if you lost a steady paycheck, for example, you would not be able to care for your family. Is a no to power also a no to your family?  Can you say no to power and yes to your family?

What do you say when someone with power over you asks you to do something you think is bad for the business? This one is a little tougher.  What does a yes say yes to?  Does it say you are willing to do something you think is bad for business? Does it say the person with power has better judgment? What does a yes say no to?  Does it say no to your judgment?  Does it say no to your self-worth?  What would you say no to?

What do you say when someone with power over you wants to drastically expand your responsibility without a change in compensation, authority, or title?  Is this an offer you cannot refuse?  A yes can be a yes to a desire to climb the ladder, to learn and grow, or to work more for the same pay.  A no can be a no the demotion masquerading as a promotion, to increased stress, to decreased mental and physical health, and to career growth at the company.  What would you say no to?

These contrived scenarios were created to help me talk through this yes-no business.  Any company that used the “power over” approach would drive away its best people.  I created them to make three points. Firstly, a yes to one thing is also a no to other things.  Secondly, it can be difficult to know what you are saying yes to and no to.  Thirdly, saying no can be difficult.

If you want to understand someone, watch what they say no to.

Image credit — Kjetil Rimolsrønning

Tell me what you want done, but don’t tell me how. You’ve got to leave something for me.

Better yet, ask me to help you with a problem and let me solve it.  I prefer asking over telling.

Better still, explain the situation and ask me what I think.  We can then discuss why I see it the way I do and we can create an approach.

Even better, ask me to assess the situation and create a proposal.

Better still, ask me to assess the situation, create a project plan, and run the project.

If you come up with a solution but no definition of the problem, I will ask you to define the problem.

If you come up with a solution and a definition of the problem, I will ask you to explain why it’s the right solution.

If you come up with a problem, a solution, and an analysis that justifies the solution, I will ask why you need me.

If you know what you want to do, don’t withhold information and make me guess.

If you know what you want to do, ask me to help and I will help you with your plan.

If you know what you want to do and want to improve your plan, ask me how to make your plan better.

If you want your plan to become our plan, bring me in from the start and ask me what I think we should do.

Image credit — x1klima

It’s fine if you’re asked to do too much occasionally.  Things come up and must be addressed.  Sometimes it’s your turn and sometimes it’s others’ turn.  No one can argue with that.  And sometimes the work demands your special skills and you go the extra because the work is important and urgent.  You know how to do it and there’s no time to bring someone else up to speed.  That makes sense to everyone.  We all know sometimes is our turn to take on too much.  That’s just how it is.  But it’s not sustainable (or fair) when doing too much once in a while becomes insufficient and you’re expected to do too much all the time.  But this creates a problem.

You want to grow in your career and you want to get ahead.  That’s good.  But when “too much every day” becomes the norm, your desire to climb the ladder makes it difficult to say no to “too much every day.”  Say yes to too much and you’ll earn your stripes.  Say no and your career plateaus. What to do?

I think the only way to beat this double bind is to be happy with your current role, be satisfied with your strong efforts to make meaningful (and reasonable) contributions, and continually grow and develop. I think this recipe will lead to great work and I think doing great work is the best way to battle the double bind.

And when it comes to great work, you are responsible for doing great work and your company is responsible for how they respond.  If you hold onto that, your next steps will be clear.

When you do great work and your company doesn’t notice, their response sends a strong message.  And your next step – do more great work.  Their response will change or you will change companies.

When you do great work, your work gets noticed, and all your company gives you is more work, their response sends a strong message.  And your next step – do more great work but constrain your output to a reasonable level.  Their response will change or you will change companies.

If you do great work, your work gets noticed, and you get a raise, a promotion, a bigger team, responsibility for the most important projects, and the authority to get it all done, your company’s response makes it easy for you to do more great work for them.  And that’s just what you should do.

Keep it simple – when in doubt, do great work.

Image credit — _Veit_

Be successful, but be yourself.

Accept people for who they are and everything else gets better.

Tell the truth, even if it causes stress.  In the short term, it is emotionally challenging but in the long term, it builds trust.

Disagree, yes.  Disappoint, yes.  Disavow, no.

Be effective, but be yourself.

If your actions cause pain, apologize. It’s that simple.

It’s easier to accept others as they are when you can do the same for yourself.

Judging yourself is the opposite of accepting yourself as you are.

When someone needs help, help them.

Be skillful, but be yourself.

If there’s an upside to judging yourself, I don’t know it.

When you’re true to yourself, people can disagree with your position but not your truthfulness.

When you help someone, it’s like helping yourself twice.

There are plenty of people who will judge you.  There’s no need to join that club.

When you stand firmly on emotional bedrock, your perspective is unassailable.

When you’re true to yourself, it’s easier for others to do the same.

Be yourself especially when it’s difficult.  Your courage will empower others.

If there’s no upside to judging yourself, why do it?

Some questions for you:

How would things be different if you stopped judging yourself? Why not give it a try tomorrow?

Wouldn’t you like to be unassailable? Why not stand on your emotional bedrock tomorrow?

Over the next week, how many people will you help?

Over the next week, how many times will you demonstrate courage?

Over the next week, how many times will you be true to yourself, even when it’s difficult?

Image credit – _Veit_

If you don’t believe in the project, the team will sense it; energy will drain from the project; and no one will want to work the project.

If you don’t believe in the project, you can’t make yourself believe in the project.

If you don’t believe in the project, you can’t fool people and make them believe you believe in the project.  Your disbelief will flow from your pores like a bad smell.

If you don’t believe in the project, your disbelief will weaken an already weak project.

If you don’t believe in the project, your disbelief can twist a good project into a bad one.

If you don’t believe in the project, it may not be the right project, but you are not the right person to run it.

If you don’t believe in the project, but the company still wants you to run it, the worst thing for the project is for you to run it; the worst thing for the company is for you to run it; and the worst thing for your career is to refuse to run it.

If from the start you think the project will fail, tell the right people why you think it will fail. If after telling them why you think the project will fail, they then ask you to run the project, you have a problem and a choice.  Your problem is you’re the wrong person to run the project.  Your choice is to run the project into the ground or take the lumps for not running it into the ground.

My choice is to give someone else an opportunity to run the project.  I think life is too short to run a project you don’t believe in.

Image credit — Bennilover