Shipulski On Design

Archive for the ‘Fear’ Category

People try to diminish when they’re threatened.

People are threatened when they think you’re more capable than they are.

When they think less of themselves, they see you as more capable.

There you have it.

When someone doesn’t do what they say and you bring it up to them, there are two general responses. If they forget, they tell you and apologize.  If they don’t have a good reason, they respond defensively.

When someone responds defensively, it means they know what they did.

They respond defensively when they know what they did and don’t like what it says about them.

Defensiveness is an admission of guilt.

Defensiveness is an acknowledgment that the ego was bruised.

Defensiveness is a declaration self-worth is insufficient.

People can either stand down or turn it up when defensiveness is called by name.

When people stand down, they demonstrate they have what it takes to own their behavior.

When they turn it up, they don’t.

When people turn their defensiveness into aggressiveness, they’re unwilling to own their behavior because doing so violates their self-image. And that’s why they’re willing to blame you for their behavior.

When you tell someone they didn’t do what they said and they acknowledge their behavior, praise them.  Tell them they displayed courage. Thank them.

When you call someone on their defensiveness and they own their behavior, compliment them for their truthfulness.  Tell them their truthfulness is a compliment to you. Tell them their truthfulness means you are important to them.

When you call someone on their defensiveness and they respond aggressively, stand tall. Recognize they are threatened and stand tall.  Recognize they don’t like what they did and they don’t have what it takes (in the moment) to own their behavior. And stand tall.  When they try to blame you, tell them you did nothing wrong. Tell them it’s not okay to try to blame you for their behavior. And stand tall.

It’s not your responsibility to teach them or help them change their behavior.  But it is your responsibility to stay in control, to be professional, and to protect yourself.

When you stand tall, it means you know what they’re doing.  When you stand tall, it means it’s not okay to behave that way.  When you stand tall, it means you are comfortable describing their behavior to those who can do something about it.  When you continue to stand tall, you make it clear there is nothing they can do to prevent you from standing tall.

In the future, they may behave defensively and aggressively with others, but they won’t behave that way with you.  And maybe that will help others stand tall.

Image credit — Johan Wieland

When in doubt, put it out there.  Easy to say, difficult to do.

Why not give it a go?  What’s in the way? A better question: Who is in the way?  I bet that who is you.

I’ve heard the fear of failure blocks people from running full tilt into new territory. Maybe.  But I think the fear of success is the likely culprit.

If you go like hell and it doesn’t work, the consequences of failure are clear, immediate, and short-lived.  It’s like skinning your knee.  Everyone knows you went down hard and it hurts in the moment. And two days after the Band-Aid, you’re better.

If you run into the fire and succeed, the consequences are unknown, and there’s no telling when those consequences will find you. Will you be seen as an imposter? Will soar to new heights only to fail catastrophically and publicly?  Will the hammer drop after this success or the next one? There’s uncertainty at every turn and our internal systems don’t like that.

Whether it’s the fear of success or failure, I think the root cause is the same: our aversion to being judged by others. We tell ourselves stories about what people will think about us if we fail and if we succeed.  In both cases, our internal stories scratch at our self-image and make our souls bleed.  And all this before any failure or success.

I think it’s impossible to stop altogether our inner stories. But, I think it is possible to change our response to our inner stories. You can’t stop someone from calling you a dog.  But when they call a dog, you can turn around and look to see if you have a tail. And if you don’t have a tail, you can tell yourself objectively you’re not a dog.  And I think that’s a good way to dismiss our internal stories.

The next time you have an opportunity put yourself out there, listen to the stories you tell yourself. Acknowledge they’re real and acknowledge they’re not true.  They may call you a dog, but you have no tail. So, no, you’re not a dog.

You may fail or you may fail.  But the only way to find out is to put yourself out there.  Whether you fail or succeed, you don’t have a tail and you’re not a dog. So you might as well put yourself out there.

Image credit — Tambako the Jaguar

Even when there is significant disagreement, there is not 100% disagreement.

Can both sides agree breathing is good for our health?  I think so. And if so, there is less than 100% disagreement.  Now that we know agreement is possible, might we stand together on this small agreement platform and build on it?

Can both sides agree all people are important?  Maybe not.  But what if we break it down into smaller chunks?  Can we agree family is important?  Maybe.  Can we agree my family is important to me and your family is important to you?  I think so.  Now that we have some agreement, won’t other discussions be easier?

Can we agree we want the best for our families?  I think so. And even though we don’t agree on what’s best for our families, we still agree we want the best for them.  What if we focused on our agreement at the expense of our disagreement? Down the road, might this make it easier to talk to each other about what we want for our families?  Wouldn’t we see each other differently?

But might we agree on some things we want for our families?  Do both sides agree we want our families to be healthy? Do we agree we want them to be happy? Do we agree we want them to be well-fed? Do we want them to be warm and dry when the weather isn’t?  With all this agreement, might we be on the same side, at least in this space?

But what about our country?  Is there 100% disagreement here? I think not. Do we agree we want to be safe? Do we agree we want the people we care about to be safe? Do we agree we want good roads? Good bridges? Do we agree we want to earn a good living and provide for our families? It seems to me we agree on some important things about our country. And I think if we acknowledge our agreement, we can build on it.

I think there’s no such thing as 100% disagreement.  I think you and I agree on far more things than we realize.  When we meet, I will look for small nuggets of agreement.  And when I find one, I will acknowledge our agreement.  And I hope you will feel understood.  And I hope that helps us grow our agreement into a friendship built on mutual respect.  And I hope we can teach our friends to seek agreement and build on it.

I think this could be helpful for all of us.  Do you agree?

Image credit — Orin Zebest

At the start, it’s impossible to know the right thing to do, other than the right thing is to start.

If you think you should have started, but have not, the only thing in the way is you.

If you want to start, get out of your own way, and start.

And even if you’re not in the way, there’s no harm in declaring you ARE in the way and starting.

If you’re afraid, be afraid. And start.

If you’re not afraid, don’t be afraid.  And start.

If you can’t choose among the options, all options are equally good.  Choose one, and start.

If you’re worried the first thing won’t work, stop worrying, start starting, and find out.

Before starting, you don’t have to know the second thing to do.  You only have to choose the first thing to do.

The first thing you do will not be perfect, but that’s the only path to the second thing that’s a little less not perfect.

The second thing is defined by the outcome of the first. Start the first to inform the second.

If you don’t have the bandwidth to start a good project, stop a bad one.  Then, start.

If you stop more you can start more.

Starting small is a great way to start.  And if you can’t do that, start smaller.

If you don’t start, you can never finish. That’s why starting is so important.

In the end, starting starts with starting.  This is The Way.

Image credit — Claudio Marinangeli

COPYRIGHT GEOFF HENSON

If you’ve done it before, let someone else do it.

If you’ve done it before, teach someone else to do it.

If you’ve done it before, do it in a tenth of the time.

Do it differently just because you can.

Do it backward. That will make you smile.

Do it with your eyes closed.  That will make a statement.

Do its natural extension. That could be fun.

Do the opposite.  Then do its opposite.  You’ll learn more.

Do what they should have asked for. Life is short.

Do what scares them. It’s sure to create new design space.

Do what obsoletes your most profitable offering. Wouldn’t you rather be the one to do it?

Do what scares you.  That’s sure to be the most interesting of all.

Image credit — Geoff Henson

It’s not possible until you demonstrate it.

It can’t be done until you show it being done.

It won’t work until you make it work.

It must be done using the standard process until you do it a much better way.

It’s required until you violate the requirement and everything is fine.

It’s needed until you show people how to do without.

It’s no one’s responsibility until you take responsibility and do it yourself.

It’s not fun until you have fun doing it.

It’s not sanctioned until you create something magical in an unsanctioned way.

It’s a crappy assignment until you transform it into a meaningful assignment.

It’s a lonely place until you help someone do their work better.

It’s a low-trust place until you trust someone.

It’s scary until you do it anyway.

So do it anyway.

Image credit — Tambako The Jaguar

Demoing something for the first time is difficult, but doing it for the second time is easy.  And when you demo a new solution the first time, it (and you) will be misunderstood.

What is the value of this new thing?  This is a good question because it makes clear they don’t understand it. After all, they’ve never seen it before.  And it’s even better when they don’t know what to call it. Keep going!

Why did you do this?  This is a good question because it makes clear they see the demo as a deviation from historically significant lines of success.  And since the lines of success are long in the tooth, it’s good they see it as a violation of what worked in the olden days.  Keep going!

Whose idea was this? This is code: “This crazy thing is a waste of time and we could have applied resources to that tired old recipe we’ve been flogging for a decade now.”  It means they recognize the prototype will be received differently by the customer.  They don’t think it will be received well, but they know the customer will think it’s different.  Keep going!

Who approved this work? This is code: “I want to make this go away and I hope my boss’s boss doesn’t know about it so I can scuttle the project.”  But not to worry because the demo is so good it cannot be dismissed, ignored, or scuttled. Keep going!

Can you do another demo for my boss?  This one’s easy.  They like it and want to increase the chances they’ll be able to work on it.  That’s a nice change!

Why didn’t you do this, that, or the other? They recognized the significance, they understood the limitations, and they asked a question about how to make it better. Things are looking up!

How much did the hardware cost? They see the new customer value and want to understand if the cost is low enough to commercialize with a good profit margin.  There’s no stopping this thing!

Can we take it to the next tradeshow and show it to customers?  Success!

Image credit — Bennilover

Be successful, but be yourself.

Accept people for who they are and everything else gets better.

Tell the truth, even if it causes stress.  In the short term, it is emotionally challenging but in the long term, it builds trust.

Disagree, yes.  Disappoint, yes.  Disavow, no.

Be effective, but be yourself.

If your actions cause pain, apologize. It’s that simple.

It’s easier to accept others as they are when you can do the same for yourself.

Judging yourself is the opposite of accepting yourself as you are.

When someone needs help, help them.

Be skillful, but be yourself.

If there’s an upside to judging yourself, I don’t know it.

When you’re true to yourself, people can disagree with your position but not your truthfulness.

When you help someone, it’s like helping yourself twice.

There are plenty of people who will judge you.  There’s no need to join that club.

When you stand firmly on emotional bedrock, your perspective is unassailable.

When you’re true to yourself, it’s easier for others to do the same.

Be yourself especially when it’s difficult.  Your courage will empower others.

If there’s no upside to judging yourself, why do it?

Some questions for you:

How would things be different if you stopped judging yourself? Why not give it a try tomorrow?

Wouldn’t you like to be unassailable? Why not stand on your emotional bedrock tomorrow?

Over the next week, how many people will you help?

Over the next week, how many times will you demonstrate courage?

Over the next week, how many times will you be true to yourself, even when it’s difficult?

Image credit – _Veit_

If you don’t believe in the project, the team will sense it; energy will drain from the project; and no one will want to work the project.

If you don’t believe in the project, you can’t make yourself believe in the project.

If you don’t believe in the project, you can’t fool people and make them believe you believe in the project.  Your disbelief will flow from your pores like a bad smell.

If you don’t believe in the project, your disbelief will weaken an already weak project.

If you don’t believe in the project, your disbelief can twist a good project into a bad one.

If you don’t believe in the project, it may not be the right project, but you are not the right person to run it.

If you don’t believe in the project, but the company still wants you to run it, the worst thing for the project is for you to run it; the worst thing for the company is for you to run it; and the worst thing for your career is to refuse to run it.

If from the start you think the project will fail, tell the right people why you think it will fail. If after telling them why you think the project will fail, they then ask you to run the project, you have a problem and a choice.  Your problem is you’re the wrong person to run the project.  Your choice is to run the project into the ground or take the lumps for not running it into the ground.

My choice is to give someone else an opportunity to run the project.  I think life is too short to run a project you don’t believe in.

Image credit — Bennilover

We wait because we don’t have enough information to make a decision.

We wait until the decision makes itself because no one wants to be wrong.

We wait for permission because of the negative consequences of being wrong.

We wait to use our judgment until we have evidence our judgment is right.

We wait for support resources because they are spread over too many projects.

We wait for a decision to be made because no one is sure who makes it.

We wait to reduce risk.

We wait to reduce costs.

We wait to move at the speed of trust.

We wait because too many people must agree.

We wait because disagreement comes too slowly.

We wait for disagreement because we don’t subscribe to “clear is kind.”

We wait when decisions are unmade.

We wait because there is insufficient courage to stop the bad projects.

We wait to stop things slowly.

We use waiting as a slow no.

We wait to reallocate resources because even bad projects have momentum.

We wait when we dislike the impending outcome.

We wait for the critical path.

We wait out of fear.

Image credit — Sylvia Sassen

If you have nothing to say, be the person that doesn’t say it.

If you’re not the right person to do it, you’re also the right person not to do it.  Why is it so difficult for to stop doing what no longer makes sense?

If it made sense to do it last time, it’s not necessarily the right thing to do this time, even if it was successful last time.  But if it was successful last time, it will be difficult to do something different this time.

If we always standardize on what we did last time, mustn’t this time always be the same as last time? And musn’t next time always be the same as this time?

If it’s new, it’s scary.  And if it’s scary, it’s bad.  And we don’t like to get in trouble for doing bad things. And that’s why it’s difficult to do new things.

Deming said to “Drive out fear.” But that’s scary.  What are the attributes of the people willing to face the fear and demonstrate that fear can be overcome?  At your company are they promoted? Do they stay? Do they leave?

Without someone overcoming their internal fear, there can be no change.

If a new thing is blocked from commercialization because it wasn’t invented here, why not reinvent it just as it is, declare ownership, and commercialize it?

If prevention is worth a pound of cure, why do people that put out forest fires get the credit while those that prevent them go unnoticed? Does that mean your career will benefit it you start small fires in private and put them out quickly for all to see?

If you always do what’s best for your career, that’s not good for your career.

When you do something that’s good for someone’s career but comes at the expense of yours, that’s good for your career.

Why not say nothing when nothing is the right thing to say?

Why not say no when no is the right thing to say?

Why not do something new even though it’s different than what was successful last time?

Why not demonstrate fearlessness and break the trail for others?

Why not be afraid and do it anyway?

Why not build on something developed by another team and give them credit?

Why not do what’s right instead of doing what’s right for your career?

Why not do something for others?  As it turns out, that’s the best thing to do for yourself.

Image credit — Steve Hammond