Shipulski On Design

Archive for December, 2024

Holidays aren’t about shopping, gifts, special dinners, or travel.  Holidays are about family.

On holidays, people travel.  They don’t travel to tourist sites, national parks, or big cities for big cities’ stake.  People travel to see their families.

On holidays, people eat special foods prepared in special ways and served on special plates.  But that’s not special.  Family prepares the food, family sits at the table, and family eats the food.  What’s special is family.

Oh holidays, people tell the same stories of old shared experiences.  Everyone knows all the stories, but they’re still told every year.  Sure, the stories are misremembered, but the storyline holds. The family’s shared experiences are reexperienced and relationships deepen.  Family is special because it helps us remember and grounds us.

On holidays, people don’t always get along.  Some of the same arguments arise and some new ones are born.  Tempers flare and then cool. Because of the significant body of shared experiences and shared memories, there are more opportunities to disagree.  And because family creates a safe space, sharing strong feelings is okay.  It’s easy to see (and hear) the arguments and it isn’t easy to see what makes them possible – shared context, shared memories, and a safe space built on trust.   Without these regular arguments cannot rise to the level of family arguments.  Family arguments are a higher genus of arguments; they are noble arguments. Family arguments can realized only by families.

I hope you can spend the holidays with your family.  If not, I hope you can have a great video call with them, have a meaningful phone call with them, or even a funny text exchange.  And if you can’t, I hope you can spend time with good friends who are like family.

Image credit – Craig Sefton

Be bold – the alternative is boring.

Be the first to forgive – it’s like forgiving twice.

Be yourself – you’re the best at that.

Be afraid – and do it anyway.

Be effective – and to hell with efficiency.

Be happy – if that’s what’s inside.

Be authentic – it’s invigorating.

Be energetic – it’s contagious.

Be a listener – that’s where learning comes from.

Be on time – it says you care.

Be early if you can’t be on time – but just a little.

Be courageous – but sparingly.

Be kind – people remember.

Be truthful – that’s how trust is built.

Be a learner – by learning to listen.

Be sad – if that’s what’s inside.

Be a friend – it’s good for them and better for you.

Be nobody – it’s better for everybody, even you.

Image credit — Irene Steeves

People try to diminish when they’re threatened.

People are threatened when they think you’re more capable than they are.

When they think less of themselves, they see you as more capable.

There you have it.

When someone doesn’t do what they say and you bring it up to them, there are two general responses. If they forget, they tell you and apologize.  If they don’t have a good reason, they respond defensively.

When someone responds defensively, it means they know what they did.

They respond defensively when they know what they did and don’t like what it says about them.

Defensiveness is an admission of guilt.

Defensiveness is an acknowledgment that the ego was bruised.

Defensiveness is a declaration self-worth is insufficient.

People can either stand down or turn it up when defensiveness is called by name.

When people stand down, they demonstrate they have what it takes to own their behavior.

When they turn it up, they don’t.

When people turn their defensiveness into aggressiveness, they’re unwilling to own their behavior because doing so violates their self-image. And that’s why they’re willing to blame you for their behavior.

When you tell someone they didn’t do what they said and they acknowledge their behavior, praise them.  Tell them they displayed courage. Thank them.

When you call someone on their defensiveness and they own their behavior, compliment them for their truthfulness.  Tell them their truthfulness is a compliment to you. Tell them their truthfulness means you are important to them.

When you call someone on their defensiveness and they respond aggressively, stand tall. Recognize they are threatened and stand tall.  Recognize they don’t like what they did and they don’t have what it takes (in the moment) to own their behavior. And stand tall.  When they try to blame you, tell them you did nothing wrong. Tell them it’s not okay to try to blame you for their behavior. And stand tall.

It’s not your responsibility to teach them or help them change their behavior.  But it is your responsibility to stay in control, to be professional, and to protect yourself.

When you stand tall, it means you know what they’re doing.  When you stand tall, it means it’s not okay to behave that way.  When you stand tall, it means you are comfortable describing their behavior to those who can do something about it.  When you continue to stand tall, you make it clear there is nothing they can do to prevent you from standing tall.

In the future, they may behave defensively and aggressively with others, but they won’t behave that way with you.  And maybe that will help others stand tall.

Image credit — Johan Wieland

If you got what you wanted, what would you do?

Would you be happy or would you want something else?

Wanting doesn’t have a half-life.  Regardless of how much we have, wanting is always right there with us lurking in the background.

Getting what you want has a half-life. After you get what you want, your happiness decays until what you just got becomes what you always had.  I think they call that hedonistic adaptation.

When you have what you always had, you have two options.  You can want more or you can want what you have.  Which will you choose?

When you get what you want, you become afraid to lose what you got.  There’s no free lunch with getting what you want.

When you want more, I can manipulate you. I wouldn’t do that, but I could.

When you want more your mind lives in the future where it tries to get what you want.  And lives in the past where it mourns what you did not get or lost.

It’s easier to live in the present moment when you want what you have. There’s no need to craft a plan to get more and no need to lament what you didn’t have.

You can tell when a person wants what they have.  They are kind because there’s no need to be otherwise.  They are calm because things are good.  And they are themselves because they don’t need anything from anyone.

Wanting what you have is straightforward.  Whatever you have, you decide that’s what you want. It’s much different than having what you want.  Once you have what you want hedonistic adaptation makes you want more, and then it’s time to jump back on the hamster wheel.

Wanting what you have is freeing.  Why not choose to be free and choose to want what you have?

Image credit — Steven Guzzardi